Waiting

Twiddling your thumbs, tapping your foot, and counting random objects are all time killers, but they are also fun-factor killers.
 
Life tends to leave me waiting a lot. I really do mean a lot. Whether I’m waiting in line at the college print shop, waiting for the holidays to come, waiting for the Jets to take the ice, or waiting for that special someone to walk into my life... it always seems that I’m waiting for something.

Throughout my 20 years on planet earth (nearly 21) I’ve learned that patience is a virtue (well duh). Knowing this little fact of life hasn’t helped to bottle my feelings of rage while watching time pass by. But it's fun to say to people who are waiting, because you know it makes the wait ten times worse.

Waiting can be awkward, painful, and even deadly. But sometimes the wait pays off. Sometimes there is a shiny golden reward that sits awaiting then end of...waiting. For me, that reward doesn’t always seem to be there, besides the occasional  Big Mac from McDonald’s or a shiny full-color plansbook from the print shop.

That being said, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have an arsenal of waiting techniques at my disposal. So, with no further adieu, here are my top 5 tips for staying sane while waiting.

Pull out the phone: These days almost everyone has a smart phone. Apps, music, games - these days there is no shortage of phone fun.

Strike up a conversation: If talking is your forte, than strike up a conversation with a fellow “waiter.” Usually people who are in the same position as you can relate to your agony. Also, if the wait is painful they will be more inclined to join in on a conversation.

Talk to yourself (in your head): If you’re someone who gets lost in their own thoughts, waiting is often a perfect time to have a conversation with your good ol’ pal, your brain. Think about finances, love life, or whatever it is that excites or concerns you. Just make sure your solo conversation stays solo, or else everyone will think you’re nuts!

Whistle: Oh yes, you’ll be that guy whistling in line, but at least you’ll be the one picking the tune. This technique is best suited for small lines, or waiting in solitude, but you never know, one day you might whistle next to a pro-whistler.

Observe: Take a peek at your surroundings, maybe there is something interesting around.

So, this week, I’m stuck in The Outhouse... whistling, talking to myself, and waiting.

Hard Asses

Hard Asses

There seems to be a never-ending supply of crazy people in the crazy world we live in. In Miami several “possible” victims are realizing how crazy people can really be.

Several people are experiencing a “pain in the ass,” after Oneal Ron Morris supposedly injected their butts with a deadly mixture of cement, superglue, and oh-so-handy flat-tire sealant. Morris was born a man, but is now seen as a woman. More on the story can be found here.

Supposedly Morris injected the absurd materials through a tube attached to a cooler.

Immediately, I’m thinking what the freaking hell were these women thinking? Paying for some basement wannabe doctor to pump their butts full of concrete and superglue… Literately paying to get their “trunks” get pumped full of “junk.” I mean come on people…

I do feel sympathy for the woman who was nearly killed by this concoction of more or less construction materials. However, I think one would have to be blackout drunk and clueless in order to go along with a backyard doctor. Not to mention, a backyard doctor with a wheelbarrow full of concrete ready to pump into that rump.

According to the Miami Herald (www.miamiherald.com) “Almost immediately after the procedure, the woman fell ill with pneumonia-like symptoms and painful welts. She suffered permanent scarring around the injection sites, required several blood transfusions, multiple surgeries and the use of 24- hour home-health aides.

According to the Florida Department of Health, initial laboratory analysis conducted by medical personnel determined that the foreign substances injected into the woman consisted of a host of household and automotive products, including “Fix-a-Flat” and mineral oil.”
Supposedly, Morris had used this butt-bulging concoction on herself in order to attain her big caboose. 

This the most junk in the trunk I've ever seen. (Photo from: ibtimes.com)

This is an odd situation for The Outhouse, but it has a pretty clear outcome. Oneal Ron Morris went into The Outhouse but never returned, as it tipped over due to the huge amount of concrete and “Fix-a-Flat” lodged in her butt cheeks .

Winterpeg driving

Pushhh! Photo from wheels.ca

Winnipeg weather has earned Winnipeg the nickname “Winterpeg,” and with good reason too. Winnipeggers have had to brave -40C weather and extreme prairie winds every winter.

So far, this winter hasn’t caused too much grief for Winnipeggers. Usually snow hits by Halloween, but that wasn’t the case in 2011. It’s November 22 and Winnipeg streets are thankful that they only have a light dusting of snow covering them.

However one Winnipeg winter trend hasn’t changed…BAD WINTER DRIVERS. Bad tires, it was too slippery, and I couldn’t see out of my window are typical excuses for out-of-control winter driving. In my opinion, there are no excuses.

I have experienced my fair share of winter driving mishaps, but I’ve learned from them. It took me a $2,200 Manitoba Public Insurance claim, a busted tire, hours of shoveling, and the thought of freezing to death to make me realize…Slow down!

Most winter accidents could’ve been prevented with a little extra caution and attention to the road. Sure, having a good set of winter tires helps, but it doesn’t mean you can be Speedy Gonzales all over Winnipeg streets.

Here are a few tips that might make you a better and safer winter driver:

SLOW DOWN: The distance it takes you to stop greatly increases when driving on ice or snow, test your breaks in a safe area to predict how long it will take you to stop.

CLEAR OFF SNOW AND ICE: Tons of Winnipeggers make the mistake of not clearing off the snow and ice from their windows. The two minutes it takes to clear off your windows could possibly save you 30 minutes of exchanging information and pulling your bumper back into place.

TOP UP THE WASHER FUILD: Making sure you stock up on windshield wiper fluid is always a good idea, especially in winter. Driving in slushy conditions guarantees a dirty windshield, and visibility is key when driving.

TIRE PRESSURE: Tire pressure decreases in cold weather, so be sure to check tire pressure regularly.

WINTER SURVIVAL KIT: Yes, it sounds like something mom or dad would suggest, but it’s true. Having a winter survival kit in the backseat or trunk of your car is a brilliant idea. I have experienced the wrath of Winterpeg and thought that I was going to catch hypothermia. Luckily I had someone stop, but if no one had I would’ve been a goner. Here is a list of items to include in your winter survival kit: Ice scraper, shovel, tow rope, gloves, toque, first aid kit, flashlight, extra dry clothing, blanket, booster cables, and matches.

Hopefully, these tips help and will keep you and your car from getting tipped over in The Outhouse.  

4x4 doesn't mean you're unstoppable. Photo from www.mto.gov.ont.ca

Social Media Madness

Recently, Ashton Kutcher landed himself in a pot of hot water when he tweeted about Penn State College Football coach Joe Paterno. Kutcher made the poor decision to opinionatedly tweet about something he really had no knowledge or even a clue about. You can read more about it here.

Today, Kutcher has 8,347,780 followers on Twitter and has an immense reach in terms of communications and advertising. A message that takes him 30 seconds to create can be broadcasted to over eight million people in a matter of seconds.

Unfortunately, Kutcher found Twitter to be too overwhelming so he passed his Twitter account (@aplusk) over to his buddies at his PR firm.  It was most likely a move to salvage whatever professionalism and respect he has left on social media.

Examples such as Kutcher’s tweet about coach Paterno demonstrate the impact that social media can have. The number of companies and organizations hopping on the social media bandwagon is increasing daily, resulting in them pumping out more tweets, likes, and @’s.

Social media has become an incredibly powerful tool for businesses. No longer does advertising have to be a one-way conversation. Now, audiences can interact with their favorite business or even product, creating a two-way conversation between sellers and purchasers. Who would’ve predicted that Sour Patch Kids would have over two million Facebook likes?

Social media is now becoming a crucial tool for advertisers, seeming how they can receive feedback, receive contest entries, or help customers with troubleshooting. Running a social media campaign can take a lot of effort or not so much effort, but more effort put in usually means more results. The Social Media Manager is a new title to the work place, but a necessary one. More ad agencies and organizations are hiring social media managers in order to control the flood of social media activity during campaigns or product life cycles.

Who knows, perhaps one day people will get paid for having the most followers or friends. Advertisers could try to cash in on people with massive followings such as Kutcher, making him tweet or post about the latest product on the market. If they gave me a dollar for every Facebook friend I would have $524. Not too shabby.

However, with all of this laid out on the table, it’s doubtful that social media will ever replace traditional advertising. Social media is a great medium to interact with audiences, however it isn’t ideal for big impact, eye catching, skin tingling advertising. Social media is what Robin is to Batman, one kick A#$ addition.

So, social media and all of its wonders zipped through The Outhouse and left a bunch of messages engraved in the wall. 

What a Social Media Manager's office must look like. (Image from: pigjockey.com)

Look out!

This guy totally makes it through The Outhouse this week because he didn't end up in the cemetery.

If I ever get my hands on you!

This morning, Tuesday October 18, I woke up to my iPhone “bark” alarm. Quickly my half-asleep body slapped down my hand to kill the annoying barking. I headed to the shower to freshen up; it seemed to be a normal morning. After my eyes finally opened to at least 50%, I rushed through getting dressed, grabbed my laptop, and headed out the door. Once again, everything seemed normal, but that “normal” feeling to my day quickly received a kick in the balls.

When I approached my SUV I was saw a light from inside my truck beaming into the dark morning sky. I unlocked my doors and took a look inside only to see that my rear-passenger window had been smashed…just f#cking great. 

Another dumb thief.

  

There was a mess of my Creative Communications papers scattered across the seats. The glove box was open but didn’t contain anything that it used to be in there. After about a minute of staring at my smashed window and open glove box I realized that I should be checking for my possessions. Anything that was worth more than $10 was gone. Before I knew it I was running late, so I had to suck it up and take my angry show on the road.

The further I drove down Provencher the further my anger was pushed. This is mostly due to the fact that freezing cold wind was being shot into my truck through the smashed window.

Now, I’ve had a little more time to “cool my jets.” Thoughts of teaching those punks a lesson are still circulating through my head, but the odds of figuring out who they are, are slim.

When I lived in the small Manitoban town of Lorette I never had any problems with break-ins. Never! Even hearing of a friend or family member running into break in problems was rare.

However, the case in the city is completely different. I’ve been living in St. Boniface since March 14, 2011 and already my roommate had her car broken into, and now I’ve had my truck broken into. It’s easy to understand why people with safety concerns flock to the country. Theft is rampant in Winnipeg, even in the “nicer” areas.

But really, what can you do to protect yourself from these cowardly thieves?

We set up a spotlight in the back lane back in March when my roommate was broken into. Still, the spotlight didn’t prevent thieves from smashing my window and helping themselves to my possessions.  Besides having a “stakeout” (which could last months or years), there isn’t much one can do.

Setting up security cameras might detour some criminals, but even then, that’s nothing a mask can’t fix for them. Even if you’ve caught the criminals red-handed and have their face on video, it might not put them in jail. Setting up security cameras is the next step for our household, but that’s no crime-free guarantee.

Maybe crime would decrease in Canada if we abandoned the “slap on the wrist” justice system that we’ve been praising for so long. Recently I came across a story where two Manitobans living on a reserve beat a man with a baseball bat and a 2x4 piece of wood, and then they proceeded to stab the man 35 times in the neck.  Guess how long these two got in jail? Just guess… 50 Months in addition to 23 months already served. They got a break because they were “too drunk” - technically speaking: 4x over the legal limit. This sentencing absolutely disgusts me. (More on the story here.) My point here is that, anywhere else this case would have gone differently. In Texas this pair would probably be dead or waiting to die. Regardless, all I wanted to say is that Canada is very laid back when it comes to their justice system and there are major problems there.

In the end, I’ll live, worse things could’ve happened. I’ll pay my deductible, buy some new stuff, and have a beer with some friends to get my mind off of the whole thing. Eventually, I’ll get around to setting up those security cameras, and who knows, maybe I’ll do that stakeout and catch those bastards. So, the bastard(s) who broke into my truck last night got tipped over in The Outhouse and ran away, leaving a giant shit trail that I can hopefully follow back to my possessions, and maybe revenge. 

At least that's not my car

This guy has the right idea.

Jets chants fizzling out?

Photo from thestar.com

GO JETS GO, GO JETS GO.

Winnipeg is still hearing this chant…daily. However, when you look at the Winnipeg Jets’ record, it doesn’t seem like Winnipeggers have much to cheer about. The Jets have started out the 2011/2012 season 0-3. Unfortunately, that’s not the only gloomy foreshadowing for the Jets. When D-man Ron Hainsey and 4^th line Centre Jim Slater are your leading scorers, something is terribly wrong. Yes, it’s only three games into the season for the jets, but those three games haven’t given Winnipeg fans anything extra to cheer about, and now we are the only NHL without a point.

Regardless, Winnipeg fans are still chanting “Go Jets Go,” and still have lots of support for their home team. My question is: How long will it last?

My prediction is that it will last all year, at least for some fans. For me, it’s hard because I’ve always been an avid Leafs fan, and they’ve opened the season with a 3-0 record – completely opposite to the lackluster Jets’ record. But, if the Jets’ keep up the sloppy play and can’t grasp hold of team chemistry they might lose some fan support.

I’ve already predicted that the Jets won’t make the playoffs this year, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not behind them, I am. I’m just a tad bit of a realist, and from what I’ve seen the Jets have a long way to go. They are a young team, with loads of potential, but currently they’re lacking firepower. As mentioned before, Jim Slater and Ron Hainsey are sharing the lead in the points column, something no one could’ve predicted. It’s early, but someone needs to step up soon. 

Players like Burmistrov, Wheeler, Kane, and Scheifele are who coach Claude Noel will look to in order to ignite the scoring spark. Thus far, none of them have scored.

So, tonight the Jets are at home facing off against Pittsburgh Penguins. The Pens have already played six games this season, compared to the Jets’ three. The Pens are also a solid team, but they are without Sid the Kid and have a banged up Evgeni Malkin. The Jets will need to play a solid defensive game in order to keep the Pens at bay. Hopefully the Jets can pull off their first win of the season tonight at the MTS Centre, but it won’t be an easy task.

Tune in to TSN-Jets tonight at 7:30 CST, and be the judge of the Jets. You decide if they make it through The Outhouse.

Bring back Domi!